DALLAS—Claiming he would hate to see a carton of unspoiled milk and an entire loaf of bread go to waste, hazardous materials removal worker Jonathan Parker reportedly saw no reason Friday to throw away perfectly good food while disinfecting the apartment of an Ebola-stricken patient.
FRESNO, CA—Hoping to get as close to the store’s entrance as possible, local 42-year-old Gregg Wightman’s decision Wednesday to continue driving around the Costco parking lot in search of a more convenient spot reportedly produced the carbon emission that finally does it. “I think I see one over there—I’ll just loop around,” said Wightman as his vehicle’s exhaust system released the last quantity of greenhouse gas necessary to tip the scales on climate change and plunge the planet into an irreversible global catastrophe. “Screw it, I don’t want to have to push the cart all the way back out here. I think I can find one closer.” At press time, Wightman had grown annoyed with the lack of adequate parking spots and resolved to just drive back to the store later.